( Abella wipes her eyes with the back of her hand, and shakes her head with a broken laugh. )
Youāre an ass.
( Itās not a criticism. The honest reminder of all the dangers here both helps and doesnāt. )
Weāre being driven to insanity. And at the end of three daysā if we donāt figure out a way to get everyone out alive, weāll turn into monsters, too. Thereās terrible things everywhere, and I know people here are suffering. I donātā Iām not trying to dismiss that like itās nothing.
( She makes herself look back to Astrid. She has to, if only to convey that she knows Thedas is hardly idyllic, and even then convey the weight of where her friends are. )
Prehevil was turned intoā- into hell with a countdown. Itās not the same thing.
( That little half-laugh is what Astrid was aiming for, but she canāt feel too triumphant about it yet. What do you even say to a thing like this? Three days. Three days, she thinks. The war hereās been going on for the better part of a decade, even if Astrid hasnāt been on the frontlines of it until recently; she remembers her mother helping the Inquisition when she was only a teenager. )
Then Iām sorry. That you were there in such rotten bullshit, and that theyāre still there.
But— selfishly, like, for your own sake, Iām glad that youāre here instead. Because that sounds awful.
( Abella stands; being still when talking about Termina feels viscerally wrong, and she rolls her shoulders like limbering up might help physically shrug it off. )
All-mer.
( Barely more than a whisper as she shakes it off. )
Can you tell me about the mountains, here? Something to get my head out of Prehevil.
( A momentary pause, and Astridās gaze drifting over to the window of the room and its distant view out over the Waking Sea. There was a mountain range to the north of the city, but it wasnāt the same; they werenāt sprawled at your feet and surrounding you, the way she was used to. )
Thereās a few around Thedas; like, thereās the Vimmark Mountains just to the north of us, but Iām from the Frostbacks down south, like I mentioned. I havenāt—
( Another beat. )
I havenāt gone back, since I came to Kirkwall, so I havenāt seen them in a while. Some people think theyāre harsh or itās hard to survive there but I think theyāre lovely. Thereās wolves, bears, rabbits, deer, lots of game, though weāre careful to not over-hunt. In winter, your hair can freeze to icicles after you bathe. The mornings are so crisp it hurts the back of your throat.
( Which might sound terrible and uncomfortable to some, maybe, but thereās just a wistful, fond nostalgia in Astridās voice as she speaks of it. )
( A little smile curls at the corners of her mouth. Slight, barely lasting a moment, before she shakily exhales. Blinking a couple of times, Abella refocuses on Astrid, and leans partly against the bed frame. )
Is there a reason you haven't gone home? Other than missions and the distance.
( Surely there'd be reasons why it'd be necessary to go there, and useful to have mountainfolk amongst the numbers for such a mission. The hesitation caught her attention; in a strange way, the suggestion of someone else's struggles anchors her even more than the thought of cold that cuts through your lungs with each breath. )
( How many people know about her hold-beast? Not many. GwenaĆ«lle, because sheād been there when the rift opened up. Gannicus, because heād asked.
It both feels absurd to mention this, petty and small compared to Abellaās own problems; but after the other woman opened up about Prehevil and Pocketcat then it would feel even more unfair, not baring a sliver of her own heart this way. )
Thereāsā¦ Iām sorry, this is gonna sound like fucking nothing. But each Avvar hold has a sacred animal called a hold-beast. Theyāre the spirit of our community. They represent the health of our entire society.
I followed ours out here. I was trying to find out what was wrong with him, but he— died. I canāt go back until I know more. I donāt really want to see the looks on their faces when they know I let them down. Let him down.
( Abella shakes her head as she sits, one leg tucked under herself, the other hanging off the side of the bed. She looks a little in shock, actually, and stays in silence as she sorts through her thoughts, the memories of their first conversation. )
Wulfhold. ( A realisation. ) The sacred wolf that your community and your home is named after.
( Gently, she catches Astrid's wrist. She'll catch her gaze, as well, if she can. )
Don't diminish how important this is. My world having-- the things I saw doesn't mean that anyone else's hurts don't matter, or that something short of a murder festival isn't painful or terrible.
( She unconsciously eases into Abellaās touch, meeting her gaze. Itās comforting; she doesnāt shy away. )
Donāt say it like that or weāll all be expecting to run into murder festivals— But, yeah. Wulfhold. We had a wolf, just as Stone-Bear Hold has a bear.
( That past tense hurts, especially alongside the other holdās present tense. )
( Gently, no condescension in it. More like she's checking that they're not somehow weirdly magical and immortal, or something. )
There was another hold-beast before this one. It doesn't make it hurt any less that he passed, but it doesn't mean Wulfhold will be without a wolf forever.
( She smiles, sad and hopeful at the same time, brushing her thumb across Astrid's wrist to comfort her. )
Maybe he lead you here so you could learn something important for your home. Maybe you'll even find his successor. Things not going to plan doesn't mean you've let them down, it just means the path is longer than you'd like.
( Half-laughing, rueful, ) Now you sound like my uncle. Heās always so steady and philosophical and shit.
( But theyāre such comforting words. If she could carve them into her memory, always remember themā¦ Thereās another twist in her chest. Astridās always been homesick, but for the first time she can imagine something else. There would definitely be holdfolk whoād be scornful and furious about what happened, but uncle Pike, at least, would be patient and kind.
Maybe sheāll write to him, someday. )
They live longer than most normal animals — the effect of the spirit, I think, donāt ask me how the fuck it works — but they do die eventually, yeah. Itās justā¦ it should be natural, yāknow? At home in the mountains, either from old age or normal sickness or fighting other animals. An honourable death. Not wasting away from Fade shit, going crazy next to a rift. He didnāt deserve that. But yeah. Youāre right.
( Lightly teasing, just catching Astrid with a gentle nudge.
That break can't absolve the weight of it all, though, and she wouldn't want it to; talking things through or even just sitting with the acknowledgement can help. Deflecting with jokes would just let it all fester, and it sounds like its been doing that long enough.
Her smile fades. )
No one would deserve it. Not him, not me or you or a cavalry horse.
( She remembers that horse in Prehevil. How had a dead animal stuck out so much in amongst all that carnage? )
It's horrible that he went through that, but-- that doesn't mean it was in vain. Maybe you being here will make all the difference, or your people finding out about it can help the Avaar prepare and protect themselves, or become more involved in what's happening.
( Said softly, none of her usual earnestness in it. What happened wasn't the right thing, or Alll-Mer's plan or any of the things people might say about awful shit. She's sorrowful, too focused on Astrid to think of hoping that the effort to salvage something from an incident that's causing Astrid so much pain is seen for what it is and not something more ignorant and insidious. )
( It had been easy to dodge or sidestep this topic, so long as a colleague hadnāt actually seen it happen themselves; hadnāt been there to haul the dead wolf off Astridās panicky body. Sheād settled into Riftwatch life. A big beaming smile, a laugh, a strong drink, all to hide the fact that there was anything under the surface. Generally skirted this subject in the meantime. )
Something something something, learningās all the difference. I remember back when the Inquisition first startedā¦
( She sets her empty cup aside and turns her hand in Abellaās, her free hand reaching out to flip Abellaās palm instead to reveal the shard of green, Astridās fingertips running along it like sheās checking lifelines. The anchor that all rifters have. )
These things. I heard of a Sky Watcher went and joined the Inquisition outright ācos of this. Because the rifts are tears in the sky, right, and healing them must be a good thing for our goddess, the Lady of the Skies. Iām not a priest and I donāt know anything about anything, but it does feel sort of right? A good place to be, to make a difference.
( It was why she was still here; and hadnāt yet gone skulking home with her tail between her legs. )
( The familiarity of the gesture is comforting in a place where thats in such a deficit. As much as Astrid might be a new acquaintance in the timeline of her life, even just this year, the comfort inherent in the points of cultural overlap might be enougn to make her one of Abella's closest friends, here. She'd need to be mindful not to lean too hard into that, or she could wind up clutchin to her like a buoy in a surging sea. Treat people like that and they drown.
She nods, is quiet a moment, and then--)
Sky Watcher... are they holy people?
( It seems reasonable to conclude, but for all she knows they could be more like a mayor than a priest. )
Mmyeah. Theyāre our priests, they worship the Lady specifically. So they read portents, bird bones and stuff, and theyāre in charge of all our burials. Weāve also got shamans and augurs, they talk to the local spirits and get guidance that way; my uncle was augur for our hold. I sāpose still is, they wouldnāt get rid of him.
( It always feels so slightly odd, having to explain these everyday basic facts of life to someone else, when it was something sheād always taken for granted and knew that everyone knew. Abella might be a rifter, but even the other Thedosians have had to ask. The Avvar are simply so secluded. )
somehow i misread 'burials' as 'turnips,' devastated I realised before replying tbh
Wow. So-- your people are okay with spirits? I got the impression that spirits are a bad thing, it seems like one of the reasons people are wary of rifters.
( it makes sense that there be differing beliefs, that's just not one she expected. Regardless, Abella sways slightly to nudge Astrid with her shoulder. )
That actually-- I never asked you the question I got in touch about, did I?
What? ( Astrid looks blankly at Abella; she had completely forgotten there was another reason the other woman had come here to begin with, before theyād gotten derailed by Pocketcat and fables and personal histories. She squints, then: )
( She shakes her head. It feels so silly, now, to have reached out with that question. )
The Avaar feel like the closest thing to home, so I... I was going to ask if you'd be my emergency contact. I know we just talked about a lot of ways things are different, though, so if you'd rather not I totally get it.
( Caught off-guard; itās not what she was expecting at all. Astrid herself had sat down at the infirmary, gotten someone to transcribe her answers, then moved on and not thought of the questionnaire again. She hadnāt even named anyone in Riftwatch as an emergency contact; it was just her living family back at Wulfhold.
But Abellaās a rifter. She doesnāt have family here.
( It looks like Abella might be about to cry again, but this time there's a smile.
Her relief is palpable, and she throws her arms around Astrid. Maybe all her gratitude can be shown in a hug, because words aren't easy when your breathing is shaky. )
( Astrid automatically eases into the embrace, arms around Abella in turn. The Avvar gives good hugs: sheās a little on the skinny side but itās solid, her arms strong as she crushes Abella to her, face briefly buried in her neck.
How long has it been since sheās been hugged by someone? A while.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
Youāre an ass.
( Itās not a criticism. The honest reminder of all the dangers here both helps and doesnāt. )
Weāre being driven to insanity. And at the end of three daysā if we donāt figure out a way to get everyone out alive, weāll turn into monsters, too. Thereās terrible things everywhere, and I know people here are suffering. I donātā Iām not trying to dismiss that like itās nothing.
( She makes herself look back to Astrid. She has to, if only to convey that she knows Thedas is hardly idyllic, and even then convey the weight of where her friends are. )
Prehevil was turned intoā- into hell with a countdown. Itās not the same thing.
no subject
Then Iām sorry. That you were there in such rotten bullshit, and that theyāre still there.
But— selfishly, like, for your own sake, Iām glad that youāre here instead. Because that sounds awful.
no subject
( Abella stands; being still when talking about Termina feels viscerally wrong, and she rolls her shoulders like limbering up might help physically shrug it off. )
All-mer.
( Barely more than a whisper as she shakes it off. )
Can you tell me about the mountains, here? Something to get my head out of Prehevil.
no subject
Thereās a few around Thedas; like, thereās the Vimmark Mountains just to the north of us, but Iām from the Frostbacks down south, like I mentioned. I havenāt—
( Another beat. )
I havenāt gone back, since I came to Kirkwall, so I havenāt seen them in a while. Some people think theyāre harsh or itās hard to survive there but I think theyāre lovely. Thereās wolves, bears, rabbits, deer, lots of game, though weāre careful to not over-hunt. In winter, your hair can freeze to icicles after you bathe. The mornings are so crisp it hurts the back of your throat.
( Which might sound terrible and uncomfortable to some, maybe, but thereās just a wistful, fond nostalgia in Astridās voice as she speaks of it. )
no subject
( A little smile curls at the corners of her mouth. Slight, barely lasting a moment, before she shakily exhales. Blinking a couple of times, Abella refocuses on Astrid, and leans partly against the bed frame. )
Is there a reason you haven't gone home? Other than missions and the distance.
( Surely there'd be reasons why it'd be necessary to go there, and useful to have mountainfolk amongst the numbers for such a mission. The hesitation caught her attention; in a strange way, the suggestion of someone else's struggles anchors her even more than the thought of cold that cuts through your lungs with each breath. )
no subject
( How many people know about her hold-beast? Not many. GwenaĆ«lle, because sheād been there when the rift opened up. Gannicus, because heād asked.
It both feels absurd to mention this, petty and small compared to Abellaās own problems; but after the other woman opened up about Prehevil and Pocketcat then it would feel even more unfair, not baring a sliver of her own heart this way. )
Thereāsā¦ Iām sorry, this is gonna sound like fucking nothing. But each Avvar hold has a sacred animal called a hold-beast. Theyāre the spirit of our community. They represent the health of our entire society.
I followed ours out here. I was trying to find out what was wrong with him, but he— died. I canāt go back until I know more. I donāt really want to see the looks on their faces when they know I let them down. Let him down.
no subject
Wulfhold. ( A realisation. ) The sacred wolf that your community and your home is named after.
( Gently, she catches Astrid's wrist. She'll catch her gaze, as well, if she can. )
Don't diminish how important this is. My world having-- the things I saw doesn't mean that anyone else's hurts don't matter, or that something short of a murder festival isn't painful or terrible.
no subject
Donāt say it like that or weāll all be expecting to run into murder festivals— But, yeah. Wulfhold. We had a wolf, just as Stone-Bear Hold has a bear.
( That past tense hurts, especially alongside the other holdās present tense. )
no subject
( Gently, no condescension in it. More like she's checking that they're not somehow weirdly magical and immortal, or something. )
There was another hold-beast before this one. It doesn't make it hurt any less that he passed, but it doesn't mean Wulfhold will be without a wolf forever.
( She smiles, sad and hopeful at the same time, brushing her thumb across Astrid's wrist to comfort her. )
Maybe he lead you here so you could learn something important for your home. Maybe you'll even find his successor. Things not going to plan doesn't mean you've let them down, it just means the path is longer than you'd like.
no subject
( But theyāre such comforting words. If she could carve them into her memory, always remember themā¦ Thereās another twist in her chest. Astridās always been homesick, but for the first time she can imagine something else. There would definitely be holdfolk whoād be scornful and furious about what happened, but uncle Pike, at least, would be patient and kind.
Maybe sheāll write to him, someday. )
They live longer than most normal animals — the effect of the spirit, I think, donāt ask me how the fuck it works — but they do die eventually, yeah. Itās justā¦ it should be natural, yāknow? At home in the mountains, either from old age or normal sickness or fighting other animals. An honourable death. Not wasting away from Fade shit, going crazy next to a rift. He didnāt deserve that. But yeah. Youāre right.
no subject
( Lightly teasing, just catching Astrid with a gentle nudge.
That break can't absolve the weight of it all, though, and she wouldn't want it to; talking things through or even just sitting with the acknowledgement can help. Deflecting with jokes would just let it all fester, and it sounds like its been doing that long enough.
Her smile fades. )
No one would deserve it. Not him, not me or you or a cavalry horse.
( She remembers that horse in Prehevil. How had a dead animal stuck out so much in amongst all that carnage? )
It's horrible that he went through that, but-- that doesn't mean it was in vain. Maybe you being here will make all the difference, or your people finding out about it can help the Avaar prepare and protect themselves, or become more involved in what's happening.
( Said softly, none of her usual earnestness in it. What happened wasn't the right thing, or Alll-Mer's plan or any of the things people might say about awful shit. She's sorrowful, too focused on Astrid to think of hoping that the effort to salvage something from an incident that's causing Astrid so much pain is seen for what it is and not something more ignorant and insidious. )
no subject
Something something something, learningās all the difference. I remember back when the Inquisition first startedā¦
( She sets her empty cup aside and turns her hand in Abellaās, her free hand reaching out to flip Abellaās palm instead to reveal the shard of green, Astridās fingertips running along it like sheās checking lifelines. The anchor that all rifters have. )
These things. I heard of a Sky Watcher went and joined the Inquisition outright ācos of this. Because the rifts are tears in the sky, right, and healing them must be a good thing for our goddess, the Lady of the Skies. Iām not a priest and I donāt know anything about anything, but it does feel sort of right? A good place to be, to make a difference.
( It was why she was still here; and hadnāt yet gone skulking home with her tail between her legs. )
no subject
She nods, is quiet a moment, and then--)
Sky Watcher... are they holy people?
( It seems reasonable to conclude, but for all she knows they could be more like a mayor than a priest. )
no subject
( It always feels so slightly odd, having to explain these everyday basic facts of life to someone else, when it was something sheād always taken for granted and knew that everyone knew. Abella might be a rifter, but even the other Thedosians have had to ask. The Avvar are simply so secluded. )
somehow i misread 'burials' as 'turnips,' devastated I realised before replying tbh
( it makes sense that there be differing beliefs, that's just not one she expected. Regardless, Abella sways slightly to nudge Astrid with her shoulder. )
That actually-- I never asked you the question I got in touch about, did I?
no subject
I guess not— What was it?
no subject
( She shakes her head. It feels so silly, now, to have reached out with that question. )
The Avaar feel like the closest thing to home, so I... I was going to ask if you'd be my emergency contact. I know we just talked about a lot of ways things are different, though, so if you'd rather not I totally get it.
no subject
( Caught off-guard; itās not what she was expecting at all. Astrid herself had sat down at the infirmary, gotten someone to transcribe her answers, then moved on and not thought of the questionnaire again. She hadnāt even named anyone in Riftwatch as an emergency contact; it was just her living family back at Wulfhold.
But Abellaās a rifter. She doesnāt have family here.
So the answer comes immediate, unhesitating: )
Selvsagt. Of course. Iād be fucking honoured.
no subject
Her relief is palpable, and she throws her arms around Astrid. Maybe all her gratitude can be shown in a hug, because words aren't easy when your breathing is shaky. )
Takk.
š
How long has it been since sheās been hugged by someone? A while.
Itās nice. )